Based on a Japanese & American international couple’s experience
Are you curious about an international long-distance relationship success story? Or are you going to be in a long-distance relationship with your partner, so you want to know how to make the relationship work? International long-distance relationships aren’t easy and many unexpected things can happen when you’re with someone from a different country.
Long-distance relationship can definitely succeed
So in this post, we advise and share honestly about our perspective and feelings on 7 things to expect in an international relationship. Knowing these things absolutely aided in the success of our, a Japanese man and an American woman’s, engagement. We respond individually to the topics below so you can see each of our experiences and opinions. Read this and get inspiration on what it’s like to be in a long-distance relationship with someone from a different country and learn what an international couple thinks about long-distance relationships.
Hannah is an American living in Ohio and Yuki is a Japanese living in Tokyo. We have been living apart for more than a year, which we never expected; we’ll explain why it happened below.
It’s possible to stay emotionally connected with your partner even at a distance
Despite the challenges we face as an international long-distance couple we’ve experienced together a lot of success and growth. The distance between us physically has actually brought us emotionally closer. Both of us have gained many skills through this experience that have helped us become better partners to one another. We don’t think these skills are only obtainable through distance, but rather that we attained them more quickly than if we’d been in-person.
Here are 7 things to expect for international couples who want to make a long-distance relationship work. We hope what we learned from our experience will help your relationship with your partner!
1) Keep healthy communication while apart
Hannah:
Originally Yuki and I were only meant to be long-distance for about 3-4 months tops. It’s turned out to be way longer than that (We’re on month 14.) As a result of Covid-19 we went a whole year without an in-person visit. We are hoping to avoid this unfortunate situation in the future since we will be married this year.
Lots of things cause international couples to face extended periods of distance. This does not spell the end of the relationship. With a plan, communication and love, I’m confident that any time apart can be survived. Of course, Yuki and I didn’t do this perfectly and there were a few moments that absolutely shook our relationship. The reason we’re together today is because of humility, forgiveness and a drive to love each other in spite of our flaws. If you truly love your partner please don’t give up because the distance makes it hard.
Yuki:
Long distance relationships are tough but you can get through it with your partner if you both communicate well. Hannah and I have certain rules to follow in order to maintain a healthy relationship. It’d be pretty hard to communicate with each other if we had no rules because there’s so much going on in our lives. If you don’t know what to do with your partner while in a long distance relationship, please go check out an article about 8 important tips for maintaining long-distance relationships (LDR). We didn’t see each other for more than a year and talking on the phone tended to be mandatory. We found out these activities were really helpful. Please check if you’re feeling like you’re getting bored. Distance shouldn’t be the reason to break up with your loved one!
2) Save money together for international travel expenses
Hannah:
Travel expenses come with the territory of an international relationship, and this is something Yuki and I have had to accept. Currently, most of these expenses have fallen on him because I cannot enter Japan due to Covid-19 related restrictions. We’ve always had the perspective that expenses are something we share, especially regarding travel related to our relationship. We try to balance the cost by Yuki paying for airfare while I cover any expenses stateside. In general we want to be financially responsible, but particularly for this reason. We hope to be able to travel frequently wherever we end up making our permanent home. In the case of a family emergency we always want to be in the position to pay for last minute tickets.
Yuki:
Travel expenses are painful for my savings, especially the cost of flights between Japan and the US which can be between $1,000-1,500. That is a lot for a broke college student! To be fair to both of us, I pay for my flight ticket by myself if I visit the US and Hannah pays the expense of traveling within the US such as gas, food, hotels and restaurants. As a guy, it’s kind of embarrassing to let her pay at the restaurant in the US and I feel bad sometimes, but this is our agreement and I like following our rules. Of course, if Hannah visits Japan, it’s going to be the opposite and I pay for her at restaurants and everything except for her flight.
Avoid international fee on your credit card
The reason why we have this rule is saving our money as much as we can. How do we save money? Well, if you’re using a Japanese credit card in the US, that’s an international transaction, which means you have to pay additional fees. The fee depends on the company but normally around 2-3%. My credit card would charge 2.2% for every transaction I make in the US. Even this tiny fee will be bigger if you keep doing it for a decade. If you’re curious about fees, you should definitely check with out your credit card company’s website. (If you want to know more about saving tips while living in Tokyo, please check this out.)
3) Be willing to learn new languages
Hannah:
Learning Japanese has always been a goal since Yuki and I got together. We plan to have kids someday. Since my child will be half Japanese I want to afford them the opportunity to learn and speak Japanese at home. Yuki and I aren’t sure where we will be living when we have children and it might not be Japan. So I want to make sure my language skills are high enough by then to have an equal number of days where our household language is Japanese as well as English.
I really want to learn Japanese, but the circumstances of when Yuki and I met have put my language learning at bay. Currently I have some extra time so I’m starting to study again! I’m very grateful that Yuki’s English skills are so good, but I’m trying to not let this become an excuse to not try with Japanese.
Yuki:
Hannah and I usually speak in English together and sometimes we use simple Japanese to make our conversation fun. My native language is obviously Japanese, so sometimes in my heart I don’t feel confident speaking English, especially when talking in front of a large audience such as Hannah’s entire family. Though I’m always trying my best and try to remember the slogan, fake it until I make it. This mindset definitely motivated me to improve speaking English. If you don’t feel confident in speaking the new language you’re learning, you should definitely check this TED talk video called fake it until you make it. Your mindset will change in a good way after watching this 20 minutes long presentation by Ammy Cuddy, an American social psychologist, author and speaker.
4) Understand that there will be less opportunity to see family
Hannah:
I’ve had the experience of not seeing my family for an extended period of time in the past. While the emotional closeness I have with my family is important to me, this isn’t compromised by distance thanks to technology. Soon Yuki and I will be moving from the midwest to the west coast. Even though I’ll still be in the same country the effects of the distance would be about the same if we were moving to Japan. And one day we do hope to move there! Our current society doesn’t put much value on extended family. But I believe that close connections with a larger family network are very healthy and I desire my kids to experience this. I want my future children to know their grandparents well on both sides and to see themselves within the context of a group of individuals.
Yuki:
My family is pretty chill about me leaving Japan. I usually travel to the US twice a year or travel to other countries close to Japan such as Thailand, Malaysia, and Vietnam. My family never stops me from going abroad. To be honest, they have a little daughter who is 10 years old at home, maybe that’s the reason they don’t care as much about what I am doing. My family doesn’t speak English very well and are afraid of traveling abroad, which is a little bit of a problem for Hannah and I . However, I’m hoping my sister will love traveling in the US and they will come to the US altogether in the near future. My little sister is the only hope to change my parents’ minds, especially my mom’s.
5) Applying for a permanent residence visa can be expensive
Hannah:
The costs keep coming for international relationships! Visas are unfortunately, not free. In addition at least in the US, the wait times are very unpredictable but always long. It’s definitely frustrating to not know when to expect to hear back about something so important. We are currently still waiting to hear news on our application. The last notification we got was over 6 months ago.We are trying to make plans for the future but it’s impossible to make anything super specific since we don’t have a timeline. If your partner is the one who will be moving it’s important to offer lots of support to them. Moving across the world takes a lot of courage.
Yuki:
Long-distance relationships cost money. When you’re serious about your relationship, you have to think about your visa situation if you ever want to live together. We applied for the K1 visa which is also known as the fiance visa. It enables an engaged couple to have the foreign partner enter the USA, get married, and then apply for a green card. The process can take a long time and the total fees are over $2,000. It’s a very stressful time, you should occasionally communicate about it with your partner to get through this tough time.
6) Accept and respect cultural differences
Hannah:
I had intended to live in Japan for a little over a year so that I could understand Yuki’s culture better, meet his family, eat Japanese food, and learn Japanese. Unfortunately, because of Covid-19 this never happened, and I still have yet to even briefly visit Japan. This is definitely not ideal, as I wish that I understood things about Japanese culture, and in turn Yuki, that I simply don’t because I haven’t experienced them.
I try my best to read about Japan and ask Yuki questions so I can understand his culture better. We have many culturally based misunderstandings, which couldn’t be prevented even if I were more familiar with Japanese culture. It’s simply a challenge to be in a close romantic relationship with someone who has an entirely different background and context for life than you. But instead of viewing this as a negative, I think about it as a chance to grow.
Yuki:
Learning about culture is always fun for me. One of the most exciting things in an international relationship is you can learn deeply about your partner’s culture through real experience. The most memorable moment when Hannha showed me American culture was Thanksgiving day. I knew american people celebrate harvest by having some turkey and traditional dishes on the day , but the amount of food and the size of turkey was surprisingly huge. I was just shocked at the fact people can eat this amount of food throughout the day. It’s incredible and I thought my stomach was going to explode. I probably ate 3 days worth of food in one day. Crazy!
Another cultural experience was driving a car. The roads are different between Japan and the US. It is okay once you get used to driving, but something I always wonder is why some Americans are so mad while driving. For example, Hannah, she starts shouting at random strangers while driving when something she doesn’t like happens such as a car cutting her off, a car parking but not parking in the right position, and a car in front of her going a little bit slower than she thinks is correct etc. It is very funny for me to watch her madness and outrage, it is really not a big deal at least for me. Please let me know if your partner is like her, we’ll be good friends.
7) Be flexible with the time difference
Hannah:
A long-distance relationship doesn’t always involve a time difference but it often does. Yuki and I’s time difference is so large that it actually works better than if it were a few hours. We’re at opposite ends of our day at the same time and usually have some simultaneous free time. For example Yuki is usually free in the mornings (Japan standard time) which is the evening for me and it’s when I’m most free.
As I try to write about it now it feels like the most normal thing in the world. I think I’ve become accustomed after 1.5 years. So don’t fret if it initially is really hard, it will eventually get easier and you will start automatically always knowing what time it is where your partner is. Oftentimes during the day I’ll want to tell Yuki something and I quickly calculate that it is 3am for him and he will not be replying. It’s a slight inconvenience but not an impossible hurdle by any means!
Yuki:
Time difference is something you need to adapt to if you’re in a long distance relationship. There’s about a 14 hours time difference between where Hannah and I live. During the week, we don’t have much time to talk because we have to go to school and work, however, we always talk on the phone to say good night or morning at least. Even though it’s just a greeting, I feel like it’s important to talk on the phone and not just text. After talking to her I’m always motivated by her words. They remind me that I need to work hard and try my best during the day.
Thank you for reading. We hope you get some inspiration through our individual opinions and experiences about how to make a long-distance relationship work and that your mindset towards long-distance relationships remains positive.
Please comment if you would like to request a topic for us to cover about international relationships. Thank you and have a nice day! Please also check out this article about 11 online activities for international couples in a long distance relationship!